For Italians, going to the gym is a hobby suitable for those people who harbor a passion for gyms. It goes in the same category as other interests and hobbies, like painting, or cycling, or rock climbing. For example, in your office you might have "that guy who collects toy cars," and "that girl who goes to the gym." Gym-going Italians are ALL ABOUT going to the gym, and make it a frequent topic of conversation and theme of their dressing and shopping. Just as toy-car-collecting Italians inspire neither guilt nor envy in the minds of Italians who have no interest in toy cars, so, too, the gym-going Italian is considered neither here nor there when it comes to one's own gym-related preferences.
For Americans, "going to the gym" goes more or less goes in the same category as "being a good person." People who enjoy gyms and go to them often feel this is the correct thing to do, and people who hate gyms and avoid them like the plague also feel that going to the gym is the correct thing to do. After New Years resolutions are made, gym-goers know that gyms across the nation will be packed with dutiful Americans who, regardless of their personal views on gyms, drag themselves there against their will in an attempt to do the right thing this year.
For Italians, going to the gym is a hobby suitable for those people who harbor a passion for gyms. It goes in the same category as other interests and hobbies, like painting, or cycling, or rock climbing. For example, in your office you might have "that guy who collects toy cars," and "that girl who goes to the gym." Gym-going Italians are ALL ABOUT going to the gym, and make it a frequent topic of conversation and theme of their dressing and shopping. Just as toy-car-collecting Italians inspire neither guilt nor envy in the minds of Italians who have no interest in toy cars, so, too, the gym-going Italian is considered neither here nor there when it comes to one's own gym-related preferences.
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Italian Person: What do you call those things in English?
Self: Water fountains, I think. Or bubblers in some places. IP: Oh. We call them "little widows." S: Weird. Why? IP: Because they are always standing there alone, crying. The second type of American abroad comes from one of 5 places: the East Coast, the West Coast, a very large American city, or an elite, private American educational institution such as Harvard or Yale. These Americans consider themselves to be more worldly, more cosmopolitan, and generally superior to their Southern and landlocked counterparts and often make apologies, pejorative comments, or even entire negative blog posts blasting the touristic fallacies of their compatriots.
Type 2s are easily identified as Americans by the intensity of their efforts not to appear American. This inevitably results in their wearing the Uniform of Americans Who Do Not Wish to Appear To Be American. Look for:
Type 2s will be extremely friendly and always make an effort to speak the native language. This will help them to get your life story so they can post it on their travel blog tonight. They generally know about the tough realities of life, such as trying to travel around the world without a job for three years when your parents only renew your allowance once a month. To prove it, they will eagerly open up about personal financial details like paying rent, shopping in thrift stores, and doing all those other charming and romantic things that poor people do. Look for them trolling for the authentic Italian experience by sharing a joint with local communists, grovelling for an invite to an occupied book store, and asking enthusiastic questions about socialised healthcare. To identify the American tourist abroad rarely requires recourse to visual stimuli, as the voice does tend to carry.
If, however, you need to identify one by sight, you can look for the distinctive markings and characteristics typical of: THE TWO TYPES OF AMERICAN TOURISTS ABROAD TYPE 1: The first type of American abroad comes from the American Midwest, Northwest, or South. These Americans tend to pack the same things regardless of whether they are going on safari, to Italy, or on a trip to Sea World. They will be no more ashamed to be wearing podiatrist-approved white sneakers and a fanny pack in Milan than they would be ashamed not to be dressed like a lion or a giraffe on safari. These Americans need to be divided into two categories, according to gender and age: TYPE 1(A) includes all the males in Type 1, and all the Type 1 females over the age of 50. Look for:
TYPE 1(B) includes female Type 1s under the age of 50. These will be wearing
Type 1 Americans are famous for their admirable perseverance in speaking only English with local shop staff who show no signs of comprehension (and who are, in fact, Italians). They can generally be found ordering gelato loudly in English approximately four times a day and complaining that the pizza they got at the local "Istanbul Pizza and Kebap" shop near the train station didn't taste any better than the pizza they get back home. In America, according to Facebook, National Sibling Day recently occurred, marking a time when Americans can celebrate their brothers and sisters by posting embarrassing childhood photos of them on social media. Hallmark corporation is really hoping that this becomes a thing.
In Italy, not everyone remembers what a sibling is, but most people can say with confidence that they probably know someone who has a sibling. Or at least they know someone who knows someone who has a sibling. Or maybe their second-cousin thrice removed Eugenio had a sibling. They think. Wait, what are siblings again? Italians generally view people’s negative personality traits as strangely irrelevant to being friends with that person. Here is a dialogue about a big jerk face named Paul, as it might happen in America and Italy.
IN AMERICA: “Ok, who else do you want to invite to your birthday party. We didn’t invite Jade, Mike, or Paul yet.” “Paul, isn’t he that guy who’s always a huge jerk face and turns every party he's at into a total shit show?” “Yeah, you’re right, he’s always a total jerk face.” “Ok, so Jade and Mike. Anyone else?” IN ITALY: “Ok, who else do you want to invite to your birthday party. Oh, we forgot Giada, Michele, and Paolo.” “Who’s Paolo?” “You know – the guy who’s always a huge jerk face and turns every party he's at into a total shit show.” “Oh yeah, he’s a total jerk face! LOL. Ok, so those three. Who else?” I'm back again with another term you will never find in the dictionary. It hasn't been translated, it can't be translated, it shouldn't be translated. And yet, here it is.
The Italian word for the Tea Party Movement is Lega Nord. A high level of political analysis can be performed by those who go in for such things. As my evidence, I offer THESE GUYS and their hats: There was a tie for gold medal in the Best/Worst Mispronunciation of Italian event last year (2014). Both medals go to friendly Americans ordering Italian food. And the winners are....
PROSCIUTTO: Really pronounced pro-shoot-oh. Winningly pronounced prosquito (rhymes with mosquito). PANETTONE: Really pronounced pah-nay-toe-nay. Winningly pronounced pain-town (but the person ordered it anyway). The gold medal for Best/Worst Mispronunciation of English went, once again, to anything with the letter "R." In America, some multi-story buildings are equipped with elevators, making them accessible to persons with mobility challenges.
In Italy, nearly all multi-story buildings are equipped with an elevator. And it's right up those stairs. |
AuthorI'm an American living in Italy and making gross generalizations about it. Categories
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