Highly-respectable Madame:
Obviously we cannot proceed with processing your invoice for payment [WHICH YOU SUBMITTED ON JUNE 17TH AKA THREE MONTHS AGO!!!!!]; you must first sign the following eight page contract [THAT WE NEVER SENT YOU, IN ADDITION TO THE THREE CONTRACTS YOU ALREADY SIGNED IN ORDER TO DO A STINKY 100€ TRANSLATION PROJECT BACK IN MAY....]
The cordialist of cordiality and cordialism,
So-and-so
Then today (September 7) I called the general number to make a reservation for an appointment at the hospital, and I reached the following recorded message (except, you know, in Italian): "Genteel clientele, this service will be temporarily suspended between August 1 and August 25. It will resume on August 26 [TWO WEEKS AGO]. We apologise for the inconvenience. Kindly hang up.")
I wish I were in Kansas, Toto.
The cordialist of cordiality and cordialism,
Me