If, however, you need to identify one by sight, you can look for the distinctive markings and characteristics typical of:
THE TWO TYPES OF AMERICAN TOURISTS ABROAD
TYPE 1: The first type of American abroad comes from the American Midwest, Northwest, or South. These Americans tend to pack the same things regardless of whether they are going on safari, to Italy, or on a trip to Sea World. They will be no more ashamed to be wearing podiatrist-approved white sneakers and a fanny pack in Milan than they would be ashamed not to be dressed like a lion or a giraffe on safari. These Americans need to be divided into two categories, according to gender and age:
TYPE 1(A) includes all the males in Type 1, and all the Type 1 females over the age of 50. Look for:
- a visor with or without the rest of the cap,
- a loose-fitting polo shirt with the name of a brand, company, place, or educational institution on one of the breasts,
- kaki or denim shorts that reach 1-2 inches above the knee,
- an outdoorsy looking backpack,
- visible ankle- or calf-high socks, and
- white sneakers or boat shoes.
- If they are not wearing a fanny pack it is because they are wearing a money belt under their clothes.
TYPE 1(B) includes female Type 1s under the age of 50. These will be wearing
- a long tank top with or without a shorter layer over it,
- leggings or capri pants,
- flip flops of varying levels of casual or fanciness,
- sunglasses, and
- some sort of large bauble on a gold-tone chain.
- If they are engaged or married they will be wearing a ring with one or more diamonds of unfathomable proportions for an Italian.
Type 1 Americans are famous for their admirable perseverance in speaking only English with local shop staff who show no signs of comprehension (and who are, in fact, Italians). They can generally be found ordering gelato loudly in English approximately four times a day and complaining that the pizza they got at the local "Istanbul Pizza and Kebap" shop near the train station didn't taste any better than the pizza they get back home.